Invade Mexico Now!

(A satire that shouldn't have to be written.)

The head of the Jalisco New Generation Cartel, Nemesio “El Mencho” Oseguera was killed in a firefight with Mexican authorities last Sunday in Jalisco, Mexico. Violence flared across the country following the killing and analysts now say that Mexico could face more violence as sub-commanders battle for control of the cartel. Cruise ships are diverting and Americans are reconsidering their spring vacation plans. Why aren’t we sending in the U.S. military to solve this problem?

As Trump again reiterated in his State of the Union address, the terrorist cartels are running Mexico. Shortly after detaining Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro (and leaving his regime in place) Trump threatened to attack the Mexican cartels stating that “we are gonna start now hitting land, with regard to the cartels (sic: what he most likely meant to say was hitting the cartels).

What are we waiting for? We are already in a global war against the ‘narco-terrorists’ and their fellow-traveling radical-left lunatic terrorists in the Congress, Minneapolis and other U.S. military training grounds. This war has required extreme measures such as killing surrendering civilians on the high seas. Yet we need to get tougher, as the drugs keep flowing. As events in Mexico illustrate, the cartels are still in place. Tariffs alone don’t seem to be working. (Perhaps we should take a look at doing away with trade altogether.)

But in the meantime, we’re attacking and threatening to invade or attack sovereign countries right and left. Clearly it’s us against them. And if there’s anything that Vietnam, Afghanistan and the Iraq wars taught us it’s this: if you’re going to go to war, don’t do it half-assed.

What are we waiting for? We should invade Mexico immediately and we should use the full force of the U.S. military to assure that Mexico learns its lesson: never, ever let the drug cartels run your country again. And stop forcing cocaine up America’s noses.

The military is one of America’s most trusted institutions. In fact, by some polls Americans trust the military more than they do science. And Trump has rewarded this trust by using the military to root out some of America’s worst problems, such as illegal immigration, crime and political opposition.

Why not saddle the military with another mission? Eradicate the Mexican cartels and say adios to America’s drug problem once and for all? Use the military to terminate drugs, cartels, terrorism, crime, free trade, illegal immigration, friendly relations with our neighbors, our two party system and non-English language Super Bowl halftime shows. Terminate with military force and extreme prejudice.

To be sure, a few pin-prick surgical strikes are not going to do the job. If we are going to get Americans to stop taking drugs and engaging in free trade we are simply going to have to get serious and send in a major ground, sea and air incursion. I’m talking armored divisions, naval blockades and round-the-clock aerial bombardment. (No worries, it’s the Pentagon’s job to come up with the necessary target packages.) The cartels would run like rabbits just as the Taliban did in Afghanistan. With a U.S. soldier on every Mexican street corner I’m sure we could get the job done in a couple of years max.

How would Mexican citizens feel about this violation of their sovereignty? About an armed Copenhagen-chewing gringo standing on every street corner? Who cares? We’ve been dealing with their criminals for years. And besides, the Pentagon has done military occupations time and again—they know what they’re doing. And they will draw up those target packages.

Actually, if you do the math, with our military’s 1.3 million active-duty personnel, we could take not only Mexico, but also Columbia, Cuba, the 51st State and Greenland (we’d only need a couple hundred troops for Greenland…ok if NATO decides to defend it, 1,000 tops. And come to think of it, don’t do the math, only the Pentagon has the deep expertise for such complex calculations.)

Having achieved all this we could own and lease out most of the Western Hemisphere. You saw the Gaza Riviera AI video right? The one that Trump re-posted. If it can happen in the Middle East it can happen in our hemisphere.

The U.S. is losing democratic allies left and right, but, if we get a little thin on manpower we could cut Russia into the deal. I’m sure Putin would be glad to help out, as long as we turn a blind eye to his aggression in Ukraine. Not a problem, we’ve been doing that anyway. There’s also a surplus of well-trained ICE officers out there as well since ICE is now better funded than the U.S. Marine Corps.

With all this force we could totally eradicate drugs from our hemisphere, and think of how much oil revenue and other booty that would flow into shadowy U.S. Treasury accounts! Believe it when they tell you that the op will pay for itself, they always do right? Personally you won’t have to pay a dime.

Besides, as soon as the “Arch de Trump” is completed we could hold a military parade under it for each country that we subjugate. And to commemorate each new territory we acquire we could launch a new Trump family crypto-currency to celebrate the leadership and wisdom that bestowed each victory!

The U.S. State Department’s New Message

Why not go whole hog? We’ve been told that Cuba, when it’s not dealing with massive, chronic shortages of fuel, food and medicine, is an “unusual and extraordinary threat” to U.S. national security, one that supports “transnational terrorist groups”. Send in the military.

Columbia is being run by a “sick man” who should “watch his ass” (and Trump’s not talking about a bad case of diarrhea here.) Case closed. Just invade, lock ‘em up. Take these sickos out and solve American’s problems once and for all.

The loser 51st State? (Canadians, what a bunch of LOSERS.) As you know, Canada has replaced Russia on the U.S. shit-list. That’s because, as every well-informed Fox News viewer is aware, those evil Canadians are heavily involved in the fentanyl trade. And they’re so unlike Golden Age Americans: God’s WINNERS. Imagine a functioning democracy that doesn’t threaten its neighbors–how passé.

Greenland? As all Americans know, even after Trump reversed course and called off his threatened invasion, Greenland remains absolutely critical for U.S. security. Ask Denmark. They’ve allowed us to have all the military bases we want there for free since the Second World War. They wouldn’t have done that if Greenland wasn’t the lynchpin to U.S. security.

I’m sure the Russians and Chinese are readying their Greenland invasion flotilla as we speak. Trump has likely been distracted with his looming attack on Iran, but once he turns his attention away from that shinny object we need to finish the job and take what’s rightfully ours from our former NATO ally. By doing this we will be killing two birds with one stone: acquiring Greenland’s rare earth metals and destroying NATO. America’s security depends on this.

We can conquer all these sovereign countries (and territory of former ally and friend Denmark) and still have 800,000 reservists in our back pocket just in case China invades Taiwan or Russia makes a move against one of those pesky Baltic states. As usual, American’s can have their cake and eat it too! (No worries, reservist and National Guard units only take a year or so to work up for actual major military contingencies, as opposed to policing U.S. cities. And they fought great in Iraq, Afghanistan, L.A. and Portland.)

But back to Mexico. Trump has said that Mexico is “not our friend” which makes it our enemy right? He has said that Mexico is mounting an “invasion”. Well we should invade back.

And think about it, by invading and annexing Mexico we could shrink our southern border by more than half, from the nearly 2,000 miles of current border to a mere 712 miles of Mexico’s southern border along Guatemala and Belize–much less wall to build, maintain and patrol! Win-win.

Since Mexico isn’t a NATO member we don’t have to worry about pissing off those weak, decaying Europeans. And as a largely Christian nation, it’s part of the Judeo-Christian heritage that made America so great. They do speak Spanish there, but that’s nothing a few “English-only” laws couldn’t fix, especially under military occupation.

The U.S. is now classified by some egghead academics as a predatory hegemon, one which no longer works with friends and allies to promote freedom, international law, collective security and free and fair trade. We might as well act like it.

As a predatory hegemon on the world stage, Washington is now rather occupied, as Stephen Walt put it¹, using its “privileged position to extract concessions, tribute, and displays of deference from both allies and adversaries, pursuing short-term gains in what it sees as a purely zero-sum world.”

In other words there’s nothing really morally wrong with using our military to threaten, violate and pillage our neighbors. It’s kill or be killed out there and we’re merely doing what everyone else would do if they could.

As Walt and others have observed over the past year, Trump’s leadership has brought the world back full-circle to its Hobbesian origins. A world, as Thucydides put it, where “The strong do what they can while the weak suffer what they must.”

As Stephen Miller, a chief proponent and architect of this neo-medieval world put it when he was trying to justify the U.S. attempt to steal Greenland: “we live in a world, in the real world…that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power.”

You see, the only real difference between America today and those nasty Mexican drug cartels is that America has so much more power than them. We should use it with abandon while we still have it. As Russia and China are bound to do to their weaker neighbors.

Besides, as every American who watches the History Channel knows, from the Roman Empire to the Third Reich, the History Channel shows us that it’s just so much easier to simply subjugate people than work with them. And it makes for great television.

So veni, vidi, vici America, let’s get conquering! And let’s start with Mexico before moving on to the rest of the hemisphere! President Trump has shown us the way. Let’s use our greatness to make ourselves even greater and acquire a colonial empire along the way.

AVDD’s sole purpose is to fight for democracy and freedom, in America and throughout the world. But we need your support! If you enjoy AVDD’s content, please help us stay in the fight by subscribing to this Substack page, or consider a monetary donation. Thank you!!

1. The Predatory Hegemon, Foreign Affairs, March/April 2026